Ashes To Beauty

So today’s post is a little delayed, but better late than never right?! To get to my point, however, you'll have to bare with me for a little back story :).

For those of you that don’t know, the summer of last year was a very trying and scary time with my health. I spent the better part of 3 months essentially bed ridden with severe nausea, dizziness so intense I could barely walk the short distance to our bathroom, heart palpitations, extreme fatigue, etc. etc. This was followed up by a long time of extreme fatigue and a little less frequent bouts of the same nonsense. It didn’t take much at all for my body to be pushed beyond its limits and land me back in bed, and to this day I will become sickened again if exposed to most chemicals (cleaning or otherwise) or very much artificial fragrances (air freshners, perfumes, candles, etc).

As any mom who’s dealt with a more long term/chronic health issue knows, this can be an extreme struggle for the momma heart. My husband was/is very supportive and helps as much as possible when I’m struggling, but as a stay at home mom I struggled deeply during that long period of time with feeling like I was absolutely failing and letting everyone down (my husband included). I cried for my sweet 3 year old that I wasn’t able to be up running around with very often. My heart ached for her feeling like I was depriving her, that at 3 she couldn’t possibly understand, and I wasn’t worthy of this position of Mom. Truth be told I almost become a little teary thinking back on those moments (but maybe we can just blame it on pregnancy hormones this time, hehe).

A few weeks ago, however, God gave me a wonderful revelation and new perspective over that time & the various milder times I’ve struggled in my health.

While laying in bed for our morning snuggles the other day I started coughing, and Lilly said, “Are you sick?” I said maybe a tiny bit, but mommy is ok. My sweet 4 year old hopped out of bed, and she said, “Well if you’re sick, you have to rest so you can feel better”. She walked over and started to close the door, so my room would be quiet and said, “You lay here and sleep, you can make me breakfast when you get up and feel better” and she went into her play room and started playing very quietly.

I laid there a few minutes longer as I soaked in that moment quite impressed with the caring heart of my barely 4 year old, and of course I shared the moment with Nathan through messenger before getting up. When I went in to see what she was doing and get ready for breakfast she said, “Mommy you have to rest so you can feel better!”.

This moment brings me close to tears once again, but for a much more joyous reason. While my various health struggles have been so very very hard and trying at times. Despite Satan’s interjections and my feelings, I was not failing as a mother, and God has a purpose in all things. God used my health struggles to form in my sweet 4 year old a more compassionate and caring heart for the sick and hurting than I have seen in most adults, and for that it brings tears of joy. For without that horribly trying time in which I felt I was not worthy to be her mother, God was actually using me to mold her sweet heart in a way that would not be possible without those experiences. I believe He has great things in store for her life, and I’m thankful for the wonderful mature soul God is already forming in our sweet girl. I pray that she grows more and more in love with Him as she grows and does not lose sight of the path He has laid out for her life, and I pray that maybe just maybe my story might bring hope to any of you that might be struggling through chronic health issues right now. Keep your chins up ladies. While the now might be unbelievably hard, you are not failing. Your sweet babies know you still love them, and God always has a plan whether its clear in that moment or not.

You are not failing, and You Are Worthy!