Ashes To Beauty

Today I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately… Spending time with our littles & trying to balance being our own person at the same time (and how the world of technology works into that).

I feel like you don’t have to look very far to find a whole onslaught of blog posts bashing moms for using their iPhones, being on Facebook, computers, texting, or basically being a person outside of mom, because they are taking precious moments from their children’s lives, missing out on their growing up, or making their kids feel unloved.

There’s nothing new about these posts, and I think we’ve all read them a million times by now and likely have mostly worked out in ourselves how we personally feel about the topic, but I saw a blog post last week that took it to a new level. The mom was basically telling other moms that during breastfeeding we need to realize that this is an intimate process and that we are in fact with another human being. She was telling moms they should not be on their phone or doing anything else while breastfeeding, and if they are distracted from their child they should acknowledge it and apologize. As I read through a few comments out of curiosity, there was a whole line of moms now feeling guilty about being on the phone reading that as they were breastfeeding, or for catching up on sleep during feeding sessions, to which the poster suggested they apologize to their baby for not being fully present for them as they nursed.

This struck a chord with me even more than the prior posts I’ve seen...

Lets be honest moms, being a mom is hard! We don’t always get it right, but we sure try, and I know that everyone here does the very best they can. Do we screw up sometimes? Yes. Do we need to apologize to our kids sometimes? Of course! Do I see the above scenario as one of those time? Not necessarily.

I feel like as moms we are so very hard on ourselves (at least I know I am), and I don’t know a single mom who at some point didn’t feel like they were doing it wrong, weren’t doing good enough, or they were insufficient in one way or another as a mother. As hard as we are on ourselves, I feel like the world is just as hard or harder on us! We’re in a weird age of technology that leads to so much information & information sharing, and a following conviction and feeling of guilt, because we’re not living up to so and so’s standards, or we feel like others are judging us for not doing as they’ve posted or shared. I for one have felt extremely ashamed and judged as I checked something on my phone, while with my child, in the presence of someone who frequently shares the phone shaming posts.

Here’s the thing though, all of these posts are blanket shaming moms without knowing the story. Do you see moms on their phones or computer, while their kids play at the park? Sure, but what if they're a work at home mom, or a mom in school, and they take their kids to the park, so they can have fun while they catch up on work, rather than sitting them down in front of the tv? The fact is we can blanket shame each other, we can make everyone feel judged, but we don’t truly know the story. No matter what, your kids are going to have some time without your 100% attention, and that’s ok! Even if you choose to clean while your kid is awake rather than making your blog post, so that you can be on the internet when they sleep, there’s always a time trade off, but its ok!

Do we need to be present for our kids? of course! But not every second of the day, and not every kid needs the same thing. For some, their love language might be one on one devoted time, in which case it would be more important to provide plenty of such time -away from your phone and other distractions. Personally, my daughter feels loved cuddle up to me and holding my hand or arm as she watches a show or plays with a toy, and she doesn’t notice or mind if I’m catching up on the world while she does so, because she feels loved through that time of snuggles and safe touch. Do I give her one on one time as well? Of course! But she doesn't need that every second of the day to feel loved. 

So here’s my (possibly not popular) thoughts on the subject. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Follow what you are personally convicted to on your time limits of online time, but realize it is unrealistic to think that you should never be on your phone during a childs waking hours, or that you should be present and actively engaged with your baby every second they are nursing. It is ok to do some things that are for you, after all, you need some adult time in your life too- even if it is just a text with a dear friend.

There are so many hard things in being a parent, but unless you are truly addicted to your phone, lets not make guilt over this one more struggle that pulls us down. Go ahead and take that cute picture of your little one while you’re on your phone- now go play with them while you're at it, and enjoy your day. I for one, wont judge you