Ashes To Beauty

So today’s post is a little delayed, but better late than never right?! To get to my point, however, you'll have to bare with me for a little back story :).

For those of you that don’t know, the summer of last year was a very trying and scary time with my health. I spent the better part of 3 months essentially bed ridden with severe nausea, dizziness so intense I could barely walk the short distance to our bathroom, heart palpitations, extreme fatigue, etc. etc. This was followed up by a long time of extreme fatigue and a little less frequent bouts of the same nonsense. It didn’t take much at all for my body to be pushed beyond its limits and land me back in bed, and to this day I will become sickened again if exposed to most chemicals (cleaning or otherwise) or very much artificial fragrances (air freshners, perfumes, candles, etc).

As any mom who’s dealt with a more long term/chronic health issue knows, this can be an extreme struggle for the momma heart. My husband was/is very supportive and helps as much as possible when I’m struggling, but as a stay at home mom I struggled deeply during that long period of time with feeling like I was absolutely failing and letting everyone down (my husband included). I cried for my sweet 3 year old that I wasn’t able to be up running around with very often. My heart ached for her feeling like I was depriving her, that at 3 she couldn’t possibly understand, and I wasn’t worthy of this position of Mom. Truth be told I almost become a little teary thinking back on those moments (but maybe we can just blame it on pregnancy hormones this time, hehe).

A few weeks ago, however, God gave me a wonderful revelation and new perspective over that time & the various milder times I’ve struggled in my health.

While laying in bed for our morning snuggles the other day I started coughing, and Lilly said, “Are you sick?” I said maybe a tiny bit, but mommy is ok. My sweet 4 year old hopped out of bed, and she said, “Well if you’re sick, you have to rest so you can feel better”. She walked over and started to close the door, so my room would be quiet and said, “You lay here and sleep, you can make me breakfast when you get up and feel better” and she went into her play room and started playing very quietly.

I laid there a few minutes longer as I soaked in that moment quite impressed with the caring heart of my barely 4 year old, and of course I shared the moment with Nathan through messenger before getting up. When I went in to see what she was doing and get ready for breakfast she said, “Mommy you have to rest so you can feel better!”.

This moment brings me close to tears once again, but for a much more joyous reason. While my various health struggles have been so very very hard and trying at times. Despite Satan’s interjections and my feelings, I was not failing as a mother, and God has a purpose in all things. God used my health struggles to form in my sweet 4 year old a more compassionate and caring heart for the sick and hurting than I have seen in most adults, and for that it brings tears of joy. For without that horribly trying time in which I felt I was not worthy to be her mother, God was actually using me to mold her sweet heart in a way that would not be possible without those experiences. I believe He has great things in store for her life, and I’m thankful for the wonderful mature soul God is already forming in our sweet girl. I pray that she grows more and more in love with Him as she grows and does not lose sight of the path He has laid out for her life, and I pray that maybe just maybe my story might bring hope to any of you that might be struggling through chronic health issues right now. Keep your chins up ladies. While the now might be unbelievably hard, you are not failing. Your sweet babies know you still love them, and God always has a plan whether its clear in that moment or not.

You are not failing, and You Are Worthy!

Today I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately… Spending time with our littles & trying to balance being our own person at the same time (and how the world of technology works into that).

I feel like you don’t have to look very far to find a whole onslaught of blog posts bashing moms for using their iPhones, being on Facebook, computers, texting, or basically being a person outside of mom, because they are taking precious moments from their children’s lives, missing out on their growing up, or making their kids feel unloved.

There’s nothing new about these posts, and I think we’ve all read them a million times by now and likely have mostly worked out in ourselves how we personally feel about the topic, but I saw a blog post last week that took it to a new level. The mom was basically telling other moms that during breastfeeding we need to realize that this is an intimate process and that we are in fact with another human being. She was telling moms they should not be on their phone or doing anything else while breastfeeding, and if they are distracted from their child they should acknowledge it and apologize. As I read through a few comments out of curiosity, there was a whole line of moms now feeling guilty about being on the phone reading that as they were breastfeeding, or for catching up on sleep during feeding sessions, to which the poster suggested they apologize to their baby for not being fully present for them as they nursed.

This struck a chord with me even more than the prior posts I’ve seen...

Lets be honest moms, being a mom is hard! We don’t always get it right, but we sure try, and I know that everyone here does the very best they can. Do we screw up sometimes? Yes. Do we need to apologize to our kids sometimes? Of course! Do I see the above scenario as one of those time? Not necessarily.

I feel like as moms we are so very hard on ourselves (at least I know I am), and I don’t know a single mom who at some point didn’t feel like they were doing it wrong, weren’t doing good enough, or they were insufficient in one way or another as a mother. As hard as we are on ourselves, I feel like the world is just as hard or harder on us! We’re in a weird age of technology that leads to so much information & information sharing, and a following conviction and feeling of guilt, because we’re not living up to so and so’s standards, or we feel like others are judging us for not doing as they’ve posted or shared. I for one have felt extremely ashamed and judged as I checked something on my phone, while with my child, in the presence of someone who frequently shares the phone shaming posts.

Here’s the thing though, all of these posts are blanket shaming moms without knowing the story. Do you see moms on their phones or computer, while their kids play at the park? Sure, but what if they're a work at home mom, or a mom in school, and they take their kids to the park, so they can have fun while they catch up on work, rather than sitting them down in front of the tv? The fact is we can blanket shame each other, we can make everyone feel judged, but we don’t truly know the story. No matter what, your kids are going to have some time without your 100% attention, and that’s ok! Even if you choose to clean while your kid is awake rather than making your blog post, so that you can be on the internet when they sleep, there’s always a time trade off, but its ok!

Do we need to be present for our kids? of course! But not every second of the day, and not every kid needs the same thing. For some, their love language might be one on one devoted time, in which case it would be more important to provide plenty of such time -away from your phone and other distractions. Personally, my daughter feels loved cuddle up to me and holding my hand or arm as she watches a show or plays with a toy, and she doesn’t notice or mind if I’m catching up on the world while she does so, because she feels loved through that time of snuggles and safe touch. Do I give her one on one time as well? Of course! But she doesn't need that every second of the day to feel loved. 

So here’s my (possibly not popular) thoughts on the subject. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Follow what you are personally convicted to on your time limits of online time, but realize it is unrealistic to think that you should never be on your phone during a childs waking hours, or that you should be present and actively engaged with your baby every second they are nursing. It is ok to do some things that are for you, after all, you need some adult time in your life too- even if it is just a text with a dear friend.

There are so many hard things in being a parent, but unless you are truly addicted to your phone, lets not make guilt over this one more struggle that pulls us down. Go ahead and take that cute picture of your little one while you’re on your phone- now go play with them while you're at it, and enjoy your day. I for one, wont judge you

Today we have hit a new stage. There are many parts of being a mommy that are very hard, as I'm sure you all know. Today, however, was an exceptionally hard day for this pregnant mommy's heart... Now before I post this story, I want you to know I don't post this for a pitty party, but to share what God in His sovereignty chose to reveal to me through my daughters words.

So, this morning started out with me giving Lilly kisses on her cheek before I got up to make breakfast. She responded by pulling away and saying, "Don't kiss me, cause I don't love you. I only love Nanna!". I told her that was not a very nice thing to say, and she shouldn't say that. It makes mommy sad when she says she doesn't love me. She replied with, "I don't love you. I only love Nanna!" I tried to shake it off, and I went to start breakfast as she gathered up toys she wanted to play with Nan. I said, "Honey, mommy was hoping you'd play with me today". Her reply was, "I only want Nan." (should have seen that coming). So... at this point my pregnant hormonal self went into the bathroom and had a good cry before putting my big girl panties back on and going back out to finish gathering items for pancakes. 

As I sat eating breakfast, I replayed the mornings events in my mind and fought back more tears trying not to start crying at Nan's table :p. (side note- we are currently dealing with a contaminated well, so we get to spend lots of time over there, since all food washing, clean cooking bowls, pan washing etc, has to happen over there.) Anyways, as I sit in my little pitty party thinking how much it hurts that my daughter who I love with every bit of my heart, could so easily say, "I don't love you" (and yes I know deep down she doesn't truly mean that). I felt God saying... Yes it hurts, but consider this is how I feel. As Much as you love her with all of your heart.... Your everything is nothing compared to the Love I have for you, and how often do you say, "I don't love you, I love... xyz..    This pain you feel is how my heart breaks for you and all of my children when they choose to say (through words or actions), I don't love you, because I love (Insert person, or item). 

So this is how God chose to reveal his Love & Grace through my pain this morning, and sometimes it takes a little pain to drive a message home... Thank you Lord for loving me, even when I don't deserve it!

God bless all, I pray you feel God's love today as I have, and thanks for reading <3.